I Can't Have It All

I've always been afraid of making choices. I'm afraid of putting too much into one field, hesitant to go all in on anything, and worried about the opportunity cost of choosing wrong.

But I'm not afraid anymore. I've realized that I need to make the most of the path in front of me before I can gradually open up other options.

I keep saying I don't want to be a software engineer. But if I don't have a better option, or if I want to create but can't yet make a living from it, then I should take the challenge in front of me seriously.

At the same time, I can keep creating or exploring other possibilities, and be willing to give them more of my time and attention.

I can't want a salary above the market rate without putting in more effort than average.

I can't say I want to create things if I spend every evening after work seeing friends or going to events.

I can't expect to stay in Japan without offering the IT skills that let me contribute the most right now.

Of course, some people can have it all. But that's because of their circumstances. Maybe they worked incredibly hard earlier, so things look easier for them now. Maybe they're simply better at what they do. Or maybe they have the resources and drive to do many things at once.

In the end, I have to come back to my own circumstances, see what's possible for me, and make my choices within those limits.

Given where I am now, I should keep working as a software engineer in Japan and work toward permanent residency or naturalization. If I really want to create, I'll have to use time I'd otherwise spend resting, socializing, or entertaining myself. If I'm unwilling to pay that price, I shouldn't imagine I'll get the result.