Some Self-inflicted Troubles and Thoughts on Writing

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On my birthday last May, I built this website in one go, but so far I have only written six articles.

This is the first article I finally have some time to write after starting my new job this April.

Remember initially hoping to write one article per week, but unfortunately, having a website doesn't magically create a writing habit. Of course writing is happier, just that mentally, time-wise and various aspects still need some adjustments.

This article is a bit like a running account confession and self-talk. If interested in seeing some of my thoughts and struggles on writing, continue reading!

Difficulties Encountered

No Margin in Life for Writing

So-called no margin means neither mood nor time.

Before this March, I stayed in a company that consumed me a lot. Was doing ERP at that time, holding multiple roles alone. No design, no PM, frontend and backend were all me. Internal dissatisfaction or questions would slack me directly. Also responsible for reporting monthly meetings in front of various departments and boss. Even so year-end bonus was almost not issued according to contract. Finally resigned early before new job was confirmed.

After resigning went to Wakayama and Mie in Kansai for a week solo travel to recharge. Quite satisfied with that trip. Usually went out when stressed, this time went out wandering after letting go of everything. Went to a place with few tourists to hike and see the sea. Then received new job offer before returning.

Changed to a new job on April 1st (Kimihiro Watanuki), almost half a year now. Very satisfied with this job. Can see a whole sky outside office window. Also has high ceiling. So I want to go to office every day. Supervisor's technical skill is also very strong. Really learned a lot following him currently. Only here let me know, if eight hours of work every day are challenging and can grow, pressure to self-improve after work won't be so big.

Besides work in April also busy moving house. So literally settling down and starting career (although only me in the family). Spent a lot of time adjusting pace of new job and new home.

Anyway, took stock of this period, thoughts and time were all occupied. Naturally couldn't write.

(Speaking of which, recently happen to go to Japan office for two weeks. Landlord suddenly sold the house and have to move out before 12/31. Another round of toss. Hope to settle down soon...)

Qualification Theory

I occasionally think, "What qualification do I have to write these"?

On one hand not much confidence. On other hand very afraid of becoming that kind of man who loves to preach.

Also noticed many people bravely make statements like "Taiwanese..." or "Engineers..." very labeling or arbitrarily speaking for a group. Maybe also limited by influence of writing thesis during academic period. Without qualitative research or quantitative data support, feel afraid to say these things.

Now I figured it out a bit. Others writing out their observations is good. And many unexpectedly match my experience. How to have such insight is worth learning.

I want to try my best to start from "I". Avoid imposing personal values on others. Reduce appearance of "You" in articles. These thoughts are mine, not yours or a certain group's. Like changing "You should do this to get rid of slump" to "I did this to get rid of slump".

Also want to continue "Moving from diode to spectrum" mentioned in 2023->2024. Some parts of article written wrong doesn't mean completely valueless. Just change it. And don't need to rise to scope of self-denial.

I Want to Write Everything, Write Nothing Out

Armin in "Attack on Titan" said "People who can't throw away anything, can't change anything". This sentence always echoes in my heart.

I have many themes want to write. Technical articles, life thoughts, film and television, anime reviews, reading notes, travelogues, novels... Not saying very good at writing these, but want to try writing these.

Anime reviews once had a small attempt running an account on IG. But got tired super fast. Felt too limited by platform.

For reading notes, writing Atomic Habits notes before received quite a few feedbacks. And I would organize notes slightly myself. Just when publishing would want to organize slightly again then often stuck here.

Technical articles used to have temporary imposter syndrome. Now grown up and grasped rhythm better. Less afraid of being scolded. After combat in work also have some things want to write. And usually checking information often benefit from those willing to write articles.

Besides writing, I also have books want to read, blog want to revamp, small projects want to write. Still a bunch of miscellaneous things in life.

And result of such greed is I keep being in front of computer unable to decide which one to do first. Then unconsciously start scrolling social media, reading manga, chasing drama to escape.

I also often wrote half casually then left it to deal with other things. Coming back next time have other things want to write. Or don't know what was thinking at that time, unable to continue.

Current coping method will be mentioned later. Anyway don't think writing too complicated first.

Self-hosted Website Makes me Write and Run to Develop Features or Fix Bugs

Fortunate to have experience contacting many content websites in current job. Slowly feel previous version made really unbearable. When opening wanting to write feel self-hosted really bad. Given another chance might directly use Substack XD

Current version started from 8/24. Thinking, referencing, and constantly balancing with other things want to do. Using some squeezing toothpaste time always. Sprinting a progress in a certain night or afternoon. Then stagnated again. Finally slowly became what it is now.

Original version SEO broken, no RSS support. Also not quite satisfied with many layouts. Although still much room for improvement now, at least won't be so bad that can't watch.

But I feel this is not a way to continue. Treat here as a warehouse to sync a copy of articles. Focus on writing. Write first then talk.

Mindset Adjustment

No Longer Tangled in Theme, Write Whatever Want to Write

Probably in May saw leafwind and Kalan discussed "Whether to concentrate on one theme to write".

Like leafwind's note very much: "Before personal style is stable enough, using categorized way to accumulate writing experience might be a good way. But appropriate attempt is also not bad. I suggest can try all. Only yourself know which one suits now". Also discussed theme diverging will become "Readers are no longer reading for a single theme, but come to see articles of 'this person' you".

I was still thinking about this problem in September. Recently suddenly realized it is insufficient information. Attempted too little. I simply didn't write enough to let me judge suitability. Just like Fujino in "Look Back" saw a website mentioning tip to become better at drawing is "Just draw"!

Can also slowly clarify what want to write, how want to write in every writing and feedback. Many things really lack information and experience to say for sure. Don't force yourself to make decision too early. Embrace various possibilities!

At current stage for me, keep writing is most important.

Writing is just a hobby currently. Don't need to put too many unnecessary frames on myself. "Avoid premature optimization". Later find which types of articles written more, then move out or adjust website is fine.

Having said that, learning to prioritize and give up will still be life lesson need to face continuously. Remember "Four Thousand Weeks" discussed related issues. Read it again recently.

I Want to Write What I Like to Read, What I Like to Read is Process of Thinking

In 2023→2024, mentioned vanity and steadiness. Difference lies in whether written out is only for envy or for reference.

Thought a bit more. More precise expression is whether this article has "Process of Thinking".

Some people's articles read like experiencing the whole thing with them. Read very satisfying. I also want to be like this.

I want to write articles I am satisfied with. I want to write articles I myself will read with relish. I must identify with myself first then others' identity. Really confused order for a long long time.

By the way respond to previous qualification theory. I think qualification is superficial doubt. Behind is actually I am not satisfied with this article. Or I might have written some remarks I am not very sure or inflating myself in this article. In other words, not true. Might be information not true or mindset not true.

Current Chatbot AI and human difference might also be so? Whether ChatGPT or Claude directly spit out a bunch of answers or hallucinations. But missing process. How to think of this solution step by step? I think I care more about this part. Like rather than giving me fish, better show me how you fish.

Temporarily Remove Multi-language, Fish Not Caught Yet, Don't Think About Eating One Fish Many Ways

When just built website, I originally wanted to write trilingual. But I decided to remove English and Japanese temporarily.

I can't even write stably yet. Just don't think about practicing language by the way. Premise of eating one fish many ways is to catch fish stably. Don't even have fish (writing), want to eat more (multi-language). Can only say myself so silly so naive.

Okay, maybe don't need to define as failure. Just still exploring and adjusting. Previous articles only talked about benefits of writing, why should write. After more than a year, finally slowly outlined again, what I want to write, how I want to write. Step by step!

Meaning of Personal Website to Me

Roughly same as "Self-hosted Website Journey" written initially.

"Write for myself". Record of my own life. Want to leave something for myself at each stage.

To record my life stages, and let people who understand me can contact my story through this platform.

At same time, I also want to let more people understand me. Maybe a bit like "Know me from my articles one by one!" this feeling?

Also on Twitter(X) after someone posted a certain article, someone will quote and attach own thoughts or write an article of similar theme to respond. Suddenly felt very like some kind of pen pal relationship. Actually quite like it!

This kind of mutual interaction leaving traces on respective websites. I think also quite thumb up.

What if No One Reads?

I found two types of writers. One is purely writing for self. Whether anyone reads is second. Another is like me if no one reads will lose motivation. Or care too much about readers.

Former I thought of writer in "Mao II". He has works insist not wanting to publish. Also thought of protagonist Dai Miyamoto in "Blue Giant". He practiced jazz alone in Sendai. Only went to Tokyo to find partners and major stages after graduation.

Actually I think definitely won't be no one reading. At least can show to people around first. Then slowly find own echo chamber.

I posted some articles on IG before. Found people around actually not much interested in things I wrote. Or maybe IG not easy for me to reach those people. Much better after switching to Twitter. Posting some tweets slowly have people reading. Quite like it.

Then there is Quality over Quantity. Like ten thousand people read but all skim through. Compare to only one person read but very helpful to him. I will choose the latter.

Written at End, Aim for Regular Writing

I write because I like it. Because writing can enrich my life. But can't let writing affect my life.

I want to slowly integrate writing, posting articles into my every day, every week, every month. Slowly. Seek to start writing first. Then slowly write more and more. Finally form regular writing.

Read Black Cat Teacher's Black Cat Creation Report #11: Must Update Daily? a while ago quite inspiring. Although actually similar concepts often heard. But clichés can be so old is because every time said still someone will gain something. These realizations and awareness close to enduring.

Article mentioned "Weekly update is fine. Even monthly update is no problem. Key is to establish own discipline. And use discipline to assist own regular, stable output. And rest when time is up."

Such concept also mentioned when asking Cheng-Wei Hu about writing experience. His current method is fixing time to write. Then when time is up write how much is how much. Can go do other things. Others come back to write when time comes next time.

In "Atomic Habits" also mentioned "What ruins you won't be the first giving up, but subsequent habitual giving up". I interpret this sentence as "Temporary giving up is fine, but can't be used to giving up".

Ending comes a bit suddenly. I think that's it. This is some of my self-inflicted troubles on writing one year after building personal website.

Ah, secretly say one more thing. Very happy Huli likes my annual review. Honestly the first day I wrote code I watched Huli's How does Xiao Ming with Zero Base Become Frontend Engineer?. So really quite touched my article can appear in his article.