The Country Where I Have No Home

Hi, how has everyone been lately?

Both Taiwan and Japan have started getting hot and entered the rainy season.

Tokyo this year seems cooler than usual. In May and June, there were still days when I could go out in long sleeves, and overall I liked the weather quite a lot. Occasionally there would be heavy rain or a typhoon, but after a day or two it would return to warm, clear skies. But I heard July and August are the most painful months in Tokyo.

Taipei's weather, as always, was humid, hot, and unpredictable. The first three days after I came back were so hot that I wondered if I had really lived here before. Then overnight it turned into heavy rain, and flood damage began appearing in different places.

For these two weeks, I briefly returned to Taipei. This time it was to switch from a working holiday visa to an Engineer/Specialist in Humanities/International Services work visa. I needed employer sponsorship to apply for a Certificate of Eligibility, or COE. The application was submitted in mid-May, and it finally came through in early June.

For student visas or renewals, you can usually handle them directly at the Immigration Services Agency in Japan, but for working holiday visas, you are usually asked to return to Taiwan to receive the visa.

When submitting the visa application documents, I had to fill in how many days I had stayed in Japan last time. I unexpectedly discovered that I had stayed exactly 200 days. This is the longest I have been away from Taiwan so far. Even my time in Australia was only four months. From now on, maybe the time I spend away will get longer and longer.

When I returned to Taiwan this time, compared with when I came back from Australia, I needed a bit more time to remember my old habits in Taiwan. It was like opening a game again after a long time and realizing I had forgotten all the hotkeys.

First was the EasyCard. I forgot that I did not tap into the station with my phone, and I took several credit cards to the ticket machine to check their balances. Then I could never find the card I had originally registered for YouBike. Next, I had to switch PayPay and Rakuten Pay back to Line Pay, and when shopping I had to prepare my e-invoice barcode.

This time I did not go stay at the home of the friend I had borrowed a room from twice before, nor did I stay at a relative's place. Because I had things to handle and friends to meet, I only needed a place to sleep. I did not want to treat their homes like hotels, or waste their kindness by taking convenience for granted. That said, I have already stayed at friends' homes twice like this, and I feel sorry and grateful to them.

Later, I stayed at a hostel in Beimen. It was my first time booking accommodation in Taipei, the city where I was born. Only then did I realize that many tourists who come to Taipei stay around Beimen. It is close to Taipei Main Station. Walking north takes you to Dihua Street and Dadaocheng, south to Ximending, and east to Shuanglian and Zhongshan. They are all only one or two MRT stops away, or even within walking distance.

But none of these places were places I often went when I lived in Taipei, so I did not really feel like I had returned to my hometown. I have lived in many places before: from Donghu to Muzha, then Gongguan and Guting, and finally the area around Zhongshan Elementary School. Basically, I moved with school and work. Thinking carefully, I do not even know which district would make me feel like I had returned home.

When I heard "Welcome back to your country" while passing through immigration at the airport, I felt that the boundary of "country" was just right. It was not "welcome home" or even "welcome back." I have citizenship, but that does not mean I have a home here. Taiwan is the country where I have no home.

Like Graduation

Before going to Australia last July, before going to Japan last December, and this June when I came back to switch visas, I arranged to meet many people. I packed my Taipei schedule very tightly, with lunch and dinner appointments, and on some days even breakfast appointments.

I kept wondering why I had to make myself so tired. Did I really need to meet so many people?

I still do not have a clear answer to this question. It may be that my family relationships made me value friends more. It may also be that my personality has always liked making friends. It may be habitual people-pleasing. Or maybe it is a feeling called "graduation."

From elementary school to junior high, junior high to high school, high school to university, and university to the workplace, graduation has always been a blunt ending to the original everyday life.

People who were once tied to the same place, whom you saw almost every day, often drift away after going somewhere new. At each next stage, you meet a wider range of people. In elementary and junior high, they are people who live nearby. In high school, they are people from the same city or county. In university, they are people from all over Taiwan. At work, they span different age groups. Going from Taiwan to Japan means people from different countries.

Before graduation, you cannot wait to enter the next stage, but when that day really arrives, it is hard to let go.

When staying in Taiwan, even if I did not meet people often, there was still a feeling that if I wanted to meet them, I could.

Receiving a Japanese work visa also felt like receiving a Taiwanese graduation certificate. It symbolized that I had left Taiwan's workplace. Next came switching my mobile number to a prepaid card, packing the things stored at my friend's place and sending them to Japan, and so on. It felt like the campus-wide tasks you have to run before leaving school, and like moving out of campus.

As I write this, the melody of "This Summer" is almost playing in my head. Do people still listen to this song at graduation now?

Of course, no one can say for sure what will happen in the future. I might stay for a few years and then return to Taiwan, or I might fail to obtain status and come back. But I have already prepared myself not to have to return.

The Beginning of the End

On my personal website, I actually secretly posted a lower-pressure diary: the fourth week after starting work in Japan and my feelings before returning to Taiwan. It had been a long time since I returned to a software engineering workplace. I was using Japanese that was still not good enough and English that was just about usable. Everyone worked quietly at their seats, which was very different from the interactive atmosphere of working holiday jobs. At the same time, I suddenly had much less time for myself. I really needed some time to adapt.

This trip back to Taiwan, meeting friends, running procedures, and feeling graduation in Taiwan, made me realize that I still really needed this kind of ceremony.

Only after finishing these things did I finally feel like I was going to continue my journey in Japan. It also reminded me that coming to Japan was not the destination, only part of the process. After returning to Japan, I can sort out and put away the feeling of graduation, become aware that I am already here, and that the road ahead begins from now.

I am grateful for every encounter. I cherish every person I met during this trip back to Taiwan. It is still a pity that there were some people I could not meet, but maybe that is fate.

Although I do not like Taiwan, I sincerely hope my friends in Taiwan are all doing well, and that Taiwan can keep becoming better. My inability to continue staying in Taiwan is my personal situation. I hope everyone simply makes their own choice.

I do not know when I will return to Taiwan next time, and it is unlikely I will stay for two weeks. See you in Japan.

One last small note: the timing of the visa coming through was really perfect. After working for four weeks, I could take a short break before continuing. The day before I returned, a friend who had lived in Japan for a long time invited me to eat zongzi together. The next day, I flew back to Taiwan and made it in time for Airi Suzuki's first concert in Taipei. The only regret was that I could not return in time for Ado's concert.